WHO IS A DOMINANT
NB regarding this article:
The concept of Dominant is considered from the point of view of BDSM culture;
Gender division of roles into Dominant - man, submissive - woman conditionally;
The article deals with life-style DS relationships;
The article is based on the experience of a specific real DS couple;
In the article, the concept of partnership means a long-term relationship in which both partners of different roles are comfortable to exist;
The article is considered from the standpoint of building mutual long-term relations based on openness and full trust of partners.
Let's define the terms
At the stage of unformed relations, at the beginning of acquaintance, the terms Top and Bottom are used.
The top is the leading man. He determines the life and leisure of the couple, solves financial and household issues with the active involvement of the slave bottom. Decisions are made in pairs on horseback.
Bottom is a slave woman. Shows an active position in a couple, affects the development of relationships. Gives decision-making power to the Top.
This stage is characteristic of the bouquet period. There is no clear distribution of roles and responsibilities. At this stage, partners study each other from the perspective of the prospects for further interaction.
At the stage Top-Bottom, Top cannot demand from the bottom the obligatory execution of its instructions, cannot dictate its will. This is the period of acquaintance, recognition of partners. The exceptions are sessions designed to acquaint the bottom with the world of the Top as a future Dominant. The top conducts introductory sessions for the bottom, showing her their way of life and preferences in the topic. During the sessions, the lower one tries on the role of a submissive, determines its pain threshold with respect to the influences of the House, develops a list of taboos.
After the "formalization" of the relationship (the conclusion of a Thematic marriage), the terms Top and Bottom change to Dominant and Submissive. The change in definitions is one of the signs of the evolution of the development of relations.
From simple to complex
The definition of Dominant should be divided into session and life style.
The Session Dominant has a temporary play character, outside of the sessions, his power will not have its influence for the bottom. The power of the session Dominant ends at the moment the collar is removed from the lower one at the end of the session. Quite often there is a phenomenon when the lower one, having got used to the role of the submissive during the game, asks the Top to leave the collar on her and not take it off.
Lifestyle Dominant is accordingly endowed with its power over the submissive constantly, without restrictions in time, space and division into personal and common space.
In fact, this is the leader of the DS of relations, the "head of the family." He makes decisions for himself and his sub. Gives orders and demands their execution. Forms discipline and manages the behavior of a subordinate according to the principle of rewards and punishments. Strictly observes the taboo of the Saba.
Traits that should be inherent in the House
Mindfulness. The dominant manages himself. Such management is expressed in the control of their mental and emotional state. The house is aware of its actions, the decisions it makes, and bears responsibility for them. In general, the Dominant is a reflective personality, leading a conscious way of life.
Rationality. Relationships are a game of both gates. The use of time and energy, both the Dominant and the submissive, should be distributed rationally. For example, loading the saba with household responsibilities, the House allocates free time for itself, which must be used rationally - to engage in self-education, improve skills in any of the areas, etc. Also, it cannot be considered shameful if the House washes the dishes when the sub is feeling unwell.
Responsibility for others. The dominant is devoid of egocentrism, should not be confused with healthy egoism. The relationship must satisfy both partners, here everyone gets his own, the Dominant is realized as a leader, saba as a performer. During the sessions, the Dominant constantly monitors the physical and mental state of the sub. In case of unforeseen situations, Dom stops the session and brings the sub to normal. In critical cases, he is obliged to call an ambulance.
Predictability. House behavior must be predictable. The decision made must be executed in accordance with the plans. He can change the decisions he has made, but he must do it with reasons, explaining the change in his position.
Sequence. If the submissive deserves punishment, then she must clearly understand why and why appropriate behavioral corrective measures will be applied to her. The punishment may be postponed to another point in time due to external circumstances.
Rigidity. Cruelty is often substituted for cruelty, but these are not synonymous terms. Severity presupposes the proportionality of the punishment for the committed offense. The punishment cannot be pleasant for the submissive, but at the same time it should not go over the edge, overstep the boundaries. The Saba must be fully aware of what she is being punished for, the Dominant must be firm in his actions to correct the behavior of the Saba. The house has no right to be a compensator - during the punishment, to recoup physically and psychologically on his submissive. This behavior is a sign of infantilism and psychological imbalance.
Composure. The emotions of the submissive, like the Dominant's own emotions, should not influence decision-making. At the same time, the House listens to the constructive comments of its subwoofer and develops a balanced decision aimed at the common good. The dominant must teach the saba to open his mouth and voice his opinion.
Creativity. Some of the decisions you make require you to include an element of creativity. Such decisions should be weighed from different points of view, for this it is necessary to be able to "get into someone else's skin", to show empathy, to try to get a kind of stereoscopic look.
Constructiveness. The dominant person in charge of developing relationships cannot afford to indulge only his own ego. He takes into account the interests and needs of his subwoofer. Saba, on the other hand, does not have the right to play with innuendo and “manipulate from below”. Such manipulations will sooner or later be noticed by the House, and the line will be drawn to the relationship. When working out decisions concerning both partners, for example, a joint vacation, the Dominant consults with the submissive, listens to her point of view, offers his options. In turn, saba voices his vision and thus influences decision making.
Above were listed the typical features inherent in the Dominant in DS, however, the presence of all features in one personality is an infrequent phenomenon. It is important to remember that the interaction in a pair is formed in each alliance of the Dominant-submissive individually, respectively, the set of features of the Dominant will be different. At the same time, common features always remain:
- uncompromising observance of the BDR;
- uncompromising observance of the taboo saba
How to define your Thematic Role
It can be difficult for people entering into a relationship, not only beginners, to determine their role in a couple. After the successful passage of the bouquet period, conflicts may begin due to the fact that the roles in the couple are not clearly assigned. Each of the partners unconsciously tries to occupy his own role-playing niche, but when both claim the same role (two Tops or two Bottoms), conflicts are inevitable.
For the successful development of partnerships (not only Thematic ones), role-based self-identification is necessary.
Ask yourself a few questions, for example:
- you are constantly generating new ideas and are ready to try them out;
- can you calmly endure the ideas broadcast to you;
- make decisions in a balanced, rational way;
- are you ready to break off relations, if there is no way to correct them;
- make decisions on your own, based on your own and others' experience;
- discuss problems openly and constructively;
- manage emotions, do not conduct debriefing during emotional stress
Be honest with yourself when answering them, this is the key to successful coexistence in a couple. Analyze your answers in the sense that it is easier for you to release everything on the brakes, or you will try to influence an uncomfortable situation for you.
People often succumb to the influence of stereotypes and behave in accordance with them. This behavior causes an internal dissonance in them, which is sometimes difficult to formalize in order to find a solution. Honestly admit your positioning to yourself and adjust your external and internal behavior according to the role.
An example of such dissonance can be found quite often: outwardly, the partner looks quite impressive and demonstrates the role of the leader, but in an intimate setting, his behavior changes to the opposite. This behavior may be dictated by the stereotype: girls are gentle creatures, and you need to treat them accordingly. At the same time, the girl herself was hooked just by the external manifestations of the young man, according to which she consciously / unconsciously chose him. But seeing a demonstration of the opposite attitude towards oneself, the destruction of the illusion occurs, which leads to an internal conflict, and the behavior of the girl herself also changes, in response to the "disappointed" expectations.
Now let's look at the same situation from a slightly different angle: external brutal behavior and intimate softness may well get along in one person quite harmoniously. In this case, you need to realize that this state of affairs is comfortable for you, and inform your partner about it. If a partner cannot accept such an attitude, then this is not your partner. Established thematic relations very rarely come to a break, since a truly intimate relationship is established between partners, in which there are no omissions, resentments, misunderstandings. This is due to the fact that all questions and problems are openly and constructively discussed.
NB: No one is obliged to answer for other people's expectations. However, before looking for a partner and entering into a long-term relationship with him, you should understand yourself and clearly define your external and intimate roles. After that, empirically harmonize your inner feelings with the external manifestation of the role. Including openly declare your positioning to your partner, so you avoid unnecessary conflicts and waste of time.
DS relationship is not a breakdown of a partner to fit your needs, it is a clear distribution of rights and obligations, it is an open discussion of any issues and issues of concern to partners, the establishment of a real intimate connection that is not subject to external and internal corrosion.
Entering into a relationship is a voluntary act for both Top and Bottom. Nobody forces you to break or obey anyone. Relationships cannot be built "out of hand". Be honest in your intentions with your partner and with yourself, and everything will work out for you.